10 Unhealthy Reasons to Get Married
Good evening Kingdom Citizens! I am so excited to share with you the 10 unhealthy reasons for getting married as I continue to study the Kingdom of God under the teachings of Dr. Myles Monroe. Being single in the Kingdom of God is the greatest position to be in. No baggage, no pressure, and we as single Kingdom Citizens are able to be about our Fathers' business. I do, however understand that some of us would like to be married in the timing of God, which is also a blessing. So as you wait, please consider these 10 Unhealthy Reasons for Getting Married. As you seek God and His timing, know that marriage is a choice, not a command, and as long as you are living Holy and upright before the Lord, single is the best place to be! So without any further ado, below are the 10 unhealthy reasons why people get married. If any of these listed below sound familiar, I recommend submitting your engagement to your pastor, or overseer, and or counseling. God bless you and I pray this message encourages someone today! (Ten Unhealthy Reasons for Getting Married excerpt taken from Munroe, Myles (2005-01-28). The Purpose and Power of Love & Marriage. Destiny Image. Kindle Edition.)
1. To spite parents. Believe it or not, some people get married in order to spite or get back at their parents. “I’m so sick and tired of having to do everything they tell me! I’ll show them! I don’t have to stay around here anymore!” They may resent their parents’ rules or chafe under their parents’ discipline. They may be angry over their parents’ disapproval of their friends, particularly that special boyfriend or girlfriend. That anger or resentment may drive them to do something foolish, like getting married without thinking it through. Even though they may know nothing about marriage, they jump at the chance because they see it as a quick way to get out from under their parents’ restrictions. Marrying to spite one’s parents is a crazy reason to get married. That marriage is headed for trouble right away. The overriding emotion is negative— anger, resentment, bitterness— and not conducive for a healthy long-term relationship. Qualities essential to success, such as love, commitment, and faithfulness, are either absent or take a secondary role behind the primary motivation of spite. A person who marries out of spite sees his or her spouse not as a lover, companion, and friend, as much as a means of escape from dominating parents. That is insufficient grounds upon which to build a happy and successful marriage.
2. To escape an unhappy home. This is similar to the first unhealthy reason. Some people grow up in unhappy or difficult home situations, and all they want to do is escape. There may be physical, verbal, or sexual abuse involved. One or both parents may be addicted to alcohol or drugs. Home life may be a constant litany of anger, shouting, cursing, and quarreling. Whatever the reason, some young people are dying to get away from home, and often see marriage as their way out. This is extremely foolish and unwise. The desire to escape an unhappy home life is no reason to get married. If you simply must get away, then go out and find a job, get an apartment, and move out on your own. People who marry in order to escape rarely find what they are looking for. In the end, they simply exchange one kind of unhappiness for another.
3. A negative self-image. Unfortunately, some people get married in the hope that it will make them feel worthwhile and give meaning to their life. Their self-image is so low that they constantly need someone else to affirm their worth and tell them that they are all right. A marriage begun on this basis is in trouble before it even gets rolling. A spouse who enters marriage with a negative self-image comes into that relationship as only half a person. If both people have self-image problems, they are really in for a rough time. A healthy marriage brings two wholes together, not two halves, forming a union that is greater than the sum of its parts. Two people who come together and who are confident of their own self-worth and comfortable in their personal identities can build a happy, successful, and meaningful marriage. Marriage will not solve the problem of a negative self-image. Marriage magnifies the defects in our character and exposes our self-concept. It will only make it worse. We all must find our sense of self-worth in our relationship with Christ, in our identity as beloved children of God and heirs to His Kingdom: Precious souls created in God’s image for whom Jesus died. Truly understanding that we are members of the “royal family” will affect how we think, feel, and act. That is the cure for a negative self-image.
4. Marrying on the rebound. This reason is closely related to the last one. People who have been hurt in a former relationship or marriage often feel discouraged and depressed, with their self-esteem lying in the dirt. They are quick to jump headlong into a new relationship with the first person who comes along offering sympathy or concern. By this they hope not only to ease their hurt but prove to themselves that there is nothing wrong with them. You don’t have to get married to prove that you are all right; there are other ways to do that. It gets back to the self-image issue. If you’re okay, you’re okay; marriage won’t change that one way or the other. The problem with marrying on the rebound is that it is not a marriage of love, but of convenience. You’re hurting and doubting yourself, and along comes someone who sympathizes with you and shows compassion. Both of you may mistake this for true love and make a quick decision to get married. In reality, however, no love is involved. For you it is only a marriage of convenience, a “quick and easy” way out of your dilemma. Don’t fall for it. A “rebound” marriage is destined for trouble.
5. Fear of being left out. This fear affects both men and women, but tends to hit women harder than men, particularly as they get older. Even in our modern society, a woman’s sense of worth is linked to marriage, home, and family more so than is a man’s. Many women start to get worried if they reach the age of 30 and still are not married. Sometimes panic sets in. “What am I going to do? Everybody’s getting married except me! All of my friends are married. I’m the only one out of my graduating class who isn’t married. What’s wrong with me?” With this mindset, some women will grab the first guy who comes along and shows any interest in her. He may not be any good for her, but that doesn’t matter. He may be a defective character destined to be a deficit to her life, but she doesn’t see that. She’s desperate! All she sees is that he is interested in her. Even if he is only taking advantage of her, she convinces herself that he loves her and that she loves him. When he pops the question, she says, “Thank God!” and accepts eagerly. The only problem is that God had nothing to do with it. Her panic and fear of becoming an “old maid” have pushed her into a bad decision. Men make the same mistake. Fearing the thought of being a bachelor all their lives, some men marry women who are not right for them. Fear of being left out causes many men and women to settle for a marriage that is less than what they could have had if they had been patient and trusted God. When a person marries out of fear of being left out, one of two things usually happens. Either the marriage breaks up, or they “grin and bear it,” too embarrassed to admit to the world, and especially to their friends and family, that they made a mistake. Either way, the happiness they sought eludes them, and all they know is sorrow instead.
6. Fear of independence. Some people grow up so dependent on their parents that when they become adults, and face the prospect of being out on their own, they get married in order to have someone else to depend on. Many times the parents bear the responsibility for their children’s dependency. Whether deliberately or not, they insist on doing everything for their children, never teaching them how to think or act for themselves. Some parents have a tendency to always think of their children as “my baby,” and try to hold onto them forever. Children who grow up dependent on their parents often enter marriage expecting their spouse to take care of them and provide the same security they have always known. The first time they have to stand up and be independent, they crumble, because they never learned how. Once they are faced with the necessity of handling responsibilities they never had to worry about before, some of them can’t deal with it. No one who is afraid of independence is ready to get married. Successful marriage requires that both husband and wife be comfortable and capable with independence.
7. Fear of hurting the other person. This happens more often than we would like to admit. Let’s say a young man and a young woman have been dating for awhile. She begins to talk marriage but he isn’t so sure. Even though he realizes that he does not love her and knows that marriage is not the answer, he’s afraid of what will happen if he breaks up with her. Maybe she has said more than once, “If you leave me, I’ll just die!” or even more ominously, “If you ever leave me, I’ll kill myself!” Since he doesn’t know how to let her down easily and doesn’t want to hurt her, he offers to marry her. These roles could just as easily be reversed, with the man putting pressure on his girlfriend who isn’t sure what to do. One reason this problem crops up is because some people do not understand the different levels of friendship. Just because a guy takes a girl out for ice cream does not mean they are ready to get married. They are just friends. Everything might be fine until one or the other of them gets carried away and starts reading more into their relationship than is really there. That person starts applying pressure until the other one begins to feel guilty and obligated. No marriage stands a chance if it is based on fear of any kind. Don’t get married simply because you are afraid of hurting the other person. It is much better for both of you to go through temporary pain now than to get married and set yourselves up for a lifetime of pain.
8. To be a therapist or a counselor for the other person. It may sound crazy, but this is why some people get married. They feel a sense of responsibility for someone who needs the benefit of their wisdom, counsel, and advice. Be careful. Don’t get carried away. Men, just because a young lady comes to you for counsel doesn’t mean you should marry her. Ladies, just because a young man may seek out your advice doesn’t mean he should become your husband. Marriage is not the proper forum for therapy. There are other avenues. It is not at all uncommon for people in long-term therapy to develop romantic feelings toward their therapist. Insecure people are drawn easily to those they regard as authority figures, or even as surrogate parents. Professional counselors have to watch out for this kind of thing all the time. A healthy marriage is the joining of a man and a woman as equal partners, both of whom are emotionally mature and secure in their self-image and personal identity. If you marry someone who is always looking to you as a counselor, you will never get any rest and they will drain you emotionally. Insecure in his or her own abilities and lacking self-confidence, your spouse will consult you about any and every little thing. Nothing will wear you out faster than a spouse who cannot think for himself or herself, or who will not make any independent decisions. Don’t get caught in that trap. No one who needs continual counseling is ready for marriage.
9. Because of having sex. There is an old teaching that says that a man and a woman who have sex are married in fact if not in law. This is simply not true. We have already seen that sex does not equate to marriage. Sex alone neither makes nor breaks a marriage. According to God’s design, sex is appropriate only within the bounds of marriage. It enhances and enriches a marriage that has already been established on other proper foundations. Outside of marriage, sex is inappropriate and psychologically damaging, emotionally dangerous, and sinful. Having sex, therefore, is not a reason to get married; it is a reason to repent. Sexual abstinence is the only appropriate behavior for unmarried people, and especially believers.
10. Because of pregnancy. Becoming pregnant is no more of a reason for getting married than having sex. The age of the “shotgun wedding” is long past. Still, there are some people who feel that even though sex alone is not reason enough for marriage, pregnancy changes things. Without a doubt it raises certain ethical, moral, and legal issues, particularly for the father of the child. Even so, the fact of pregnancy alone is insufficient grounds for marriage. On the surface, a pregnancy is evidence only of sexual activity. It does not necessarily indicate the existence of love or commitment between the man and woman who conceived the child. Compounding the sin and mistake of an out-of-wed-lock pregnancy with the mistake of a bad marriage is foolish and unwise. It will lead inevitably to heartache and pain for everyone involved, and especially for the innocent child caught in the middle of it all. One mistake won’t put you out of the race for life. Many people who have conceived and borne children out-of-wedlock later go into happy marriages. Like sex, pregnancy alone is not a reason to get married, but a reason to repent. Even if you never marry the person with whom you conceived the child, God can give the two of you the grace and wisdom to behave responsibly for the health and welfare of that child. Ten Healthy Reasons for Getting (Excerpt taken from Munroe, Myles (2005-01-28). The Purpose and Power of Love & Marriage. Destiny Image. Kindle Edition.)
